Happy Birthday, Roger

It is Roger’s birthday today. Or it would have been. He would have turned 50 on this day.

But you know what? I’m ok today. I am. Am I sad? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I hurt for how he should have been here but is not? Yes.  Do I still occasionally experience anger because he “left?” Yes.

But you know what else? I trust God. I do. I find my strength and my refuge in Him. I find my peace in Him. My confidence in Him. My future in Him. And yes, even my present in Him.

Do I still wrestle with the “what if’s?” Yes. Do I still think it’s not fair? Yes. Do I still imagine how different my life (and my future) would be if Roger were still here? Yes.

But do I believe God and His faithfulness in spite of those things? Yes. Do I understand that life itself is not fair? Yes. (God is fair. Life is not. God is not life.) Do I understand that this world is not heaven nor was it meant to be? Yes. Do I believe I can be content with who I am in Christ and with Christ? Yes. Even if that is all I ever have? Yes.

Am I still blessed beyond measure with the family I have? Yes. Is God more than gracious with the wise and loving sons He has given me? Yes. Has God allowed me to be in this place and time along side the wonderful, Christ-following people and staff of Hope Community Church? Yes. Has he provided a job that sustains me and that I love? Yes. Am I the recipient of good friends who are more like family to me? Yes. Do I have food and shelter and clothing and warmth and all of my basic needs more than met? Yes.

Do I know God more deeply than ever before? Yes. Do I follow Him more closely, cling more tightly, love more deeply, give more freely, and serve more faithfully? Yes.

Sometimes the world falls down around you but eventually the dust begins to clear and the haze begins to lift and you realize you have to get up and you have to do more than just keep tripping over the same fallen debris. You have to make choices. You have to choose which path you will journey on, which attitude you will embrace, and which life you will live. I choose Jesus. On any given day, and especially today, I choose Jesus.

So happy birthday, Roger. And by the way, I think your forever celebration in heaven with Jesus is way better than any birthday party I could have ever thrown you down here.


4 Comments on “Happy Birthday, Roger

  1. Debbie:

    Your ability to cling to Christ and remain faithful amidst such unfathomable suffering is an incredible testimony. Each time you broach the subject I’m brought to tears, I couldn’t begin to understand yours and the boy’s pain.

    Thank you for your willing sharing of your thoughts, I think we all can become a bit more faithful in the following of your example.


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